


self-imposed disadvantage

by yeswayappianway



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Bisexuality, Character Study, Comfort, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-11
Updated: 2018-09-11
Packaged: 2019-07-11 00:35:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15960911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yeswayappianway/pseuds/yeswayappianway
Summary: Vex doesn’t tell people.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> SPOILERS through Episode 94: Jugs and Rods in chapter one
> 
> chapter one is me projecting my Bad Feelings from last night onto vex, and i'm sorry for that
> 
> chapter two is a bit more of a real fic, and is where i make things better for her
> 
> if you have anything you want to say, feel free, but i just want it to be clear, this is very much based off of my own feelings, so i can't promise to be particularly objective about anything. like i said, this is me trying to work through some things via fic.
> 
> my other considered title was 'roll for stealth'
> 
> more notes to come at the end of the fic (also part two is much longer)

Vex doesn’t tell people. When they ask Kash or Tary whether they go ranger or rogue, when her brother flirts with Gilmore and falls for Keyleth, when Vex nearly loses her breath looking at Zahra for the first time, she doesn’t say anything. Oh, she’ll wink, and call everyone darling, and compliment all the women they meet, but that doesn’t mean anything. At least, no one else seems to bat an eye. So Vex doesn’t say any anything.

She wants to, some days. Wants to scream from the roof of Castle Whitestone about how she loves men and women and everyone else and it’s _not_ _fair_ that no one seems to see it but her, but then a voice in her head that sounds a little like her father but mostly like herself says, _come on, Vex’ahlia, what good would it do you anyway? If you find a girl, they’d all accept you just the same, but you haven’t, so does it really matter anyway?_ And so she doesn’t scream, doesn’t even let it show on her face, just goes about her business as normal.

——

After the Feywild and her surprising but utterly inevitable realization of her feelings for Percy, she doubts whether she even has anything to say. What good does it do her to have theoretical unrealized attraction when she goes and falls in love with a man? Vex looks at Percy and her heart calms down from its normal frantic drive to go, move, fly, into something pleased and content and sure, and it’s amazing, but it also makes her feel like a fraud. Maybe she’s never really been truly interested in women the same way- after all, she’s never felt this way about a woman. This time, a voice that sounds a little like her but mostly like her brother says, _you’ve never felt this way about any other men, either._ She recognizes the logic in its reasoning, and she knows it's true, but she can’t bring herself to accept it anyway.

—-

Tary tells them that he likes men, and how his father treated his tutor, and Vex’s heart breaks. She knows a thing or two about unbearable fathers, especially ones who care more about their image than the wellbeing of their children, that think they know what’s best for everyone around them. She can see that Tary still values his father’s opinions, even as he hates them, and she knows he has to grow out of that on his own, but it doesn’t stop her from wanting to tell him over and over, _he doesn’t matter, he never will unless you let him._

She feels a different kind of sinking feeling in her chest later, as she sits alone by the Sun Tree, trying to meditate and pray. Her mind wanders, and thinking about Tary, she hates herself a little bit. Here was someone whose father interfered in his life, to the point where Tary didn’t know if Lawrence was alive or dead, who might disown him, purely for the gender of his love. What does she have to worry about? A few awkward questions from her friends? Maybe a catcall in a tavern they stop at on the road? And only if she happens to be with a woman, which- as she thinks of fondly of Percy’s white hair and clever hands- is unlikely to ever happen again. So what the fuck does she have to be worried about? Vex laughs at herself, a little bitterly. _Selfish as always_ , she hears, in a voice that’s an even mix of her own and the dreadful tree creaking of Saundor.

Vex stands up abruptly. She’s supposed to be praying to Pelor, not feeling sorry for herself. Maybe someone else can give her a hint and get her out of her own head.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Well, it’s just…” Vex begins, not meeting Percy's gaze. She can’t. It hurts enough to try and say this, to put into words her own frustration and insecurity. “Do you ever think about how people see you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SPOILERS through Episode 95: One Year Later... in chapter two
> 
> if you have anything you want to say, feel free, but i just want it to be clear, this is very much based off of my own feelings, so i can't promise to be particularly objective about anything. like i said, this is me trying to work through some things via fic.

“Percy,” Vex says. “Would you- Do you mind- Can I-” she trails off. She knows what she wants to ask, because it’s been killing her lately. The downtime has been lovely, patrolling the Parchwood and working to open the Slayer’s Cake, but it’s also left her mind uncomfortably free to roam. Somehow, in all that time, she’s never figured out what to say.

“Hm?” Percy murmurs from across the room, not looking away from the map he’s been annotating.

“I-” Vex begins again, and falls silent. “Never mind,” she sighs. Why does it matter anyway?

Almost as if he’s heard her thoughts, Percy turns to look at her. “Never mind? You’re not usually one to shy from giving your opinion. What did you want to say?”

“Well, it’s just…” she begins, not meeting his gaze. She can’t. It hurts enough to try and say this, to put into words her own frustration and insecurity. “Do you ever think about how people see you?”

He laughs, quiet and not humorously, more of a noise of acknowledgement than anything else. “Constantly.”

Vex knows this. It’s why she feels most comfortable bringing this up with him- not that she loves him, not that he’s the one she stays with now, but because she knows he’ll understand what it means to have internalized caring how others see her while pretending she doesn’t give a shit. “Do you think it matters what you think of yourself if no one else will ever see it? If there was some part of you that was important to you, but it won’t ever come up to anyone else unless you tell them, is it really true?” She looks up at him now across the room.

Percy stares, not quite at her, but into the space in front of her. It’s the same look he gets when they plan for battle, or he’s thinking of some new creation to design. It warms Vex’s heart a little that her feelings are worth the same focus. Finally, he says, slowly, “It’s hard to say what’s _true_ \- true and false are never really objective anyway, but…” and now he pulls his focus towards her, no longer just staring into the air but meeting her eyes. “But if it’s something inside of you, a feeling or a thought, then you’re the only one who can know if it’s real anyway. If you know it to be real, it matters.” Percy stands up then, and crosses the room to sit beside her on the sofa. He doesn’t take her hand, or really touch her, but his voice is soft and gentle as he asks, “Do you have something you want to tell me? Will that make it feel more real for you?” and it feels almost tangible.

Fiddling with the end of her braid, Vex leans toward Percy slightly. “I like women,” she says, her voice hoarse and shaky. She’s never actually said that to anyone before. “And men, obviously, you know that,” she rambles, and she feels Percy laugh silently next to her. “But I… I never wanted to say it. Because… it seemed silly to announce it, and I never had a chance to show it, and I was always afraid it would seem… fake. Like maybe I would say it, and you all would say you knew it all along, and then what was I so afraid of? But then I fell in love with you, and then it all became sort of irrelevant, because it doesn’t matter anymore, does it? But it does matter, because it’s part of me, and I hate that no one knows.” She knows she’s just blurting out her thoughts now, but it feels so good to finally tell someone, even if the words feel like they’re scraping her raw as they come out.

“Thank you,” Percy says quietly, and now he does take one of her hands. “I had wondered before, but I never put much thought into it, and I’m pleased you told me. Vex, I always want to know everything you want me to know about you.” Vex knows that Percy doesn’t think of himself as romantic, but every once in a while, he says something like this, and she wants simultaneously to save the words in a jar for bad days and also to triumphantly wave them in his face to prove him wrong. He continues, frowning earnestly. “It’s a terrifying thing, being known, but it’s also very, very reassuring. I’m happy to bear this knowledge for you if it makes it feel more real to you, but you don’t need me, or anyone else, to tell you that for it to be true.” Suddenly, he smiles, a bit mischievously. “Does this mean you really were flirting with Zahra all those times?”

“She’s _gorgeous_ , of course I was,” and Vex never realized how freeing it would feel to say that. It’s so simple, almost gossip, but she imagines a lock somewhere inside of her opening, and a corridor opening to her mouth that’s never been there before. It’s also fairly gratifying that Percy had noticed, since historically, he’d been rather blind to such things.

“Mmm, true. You have good taste.”

Vex smirks. “Yep, I’d say so,” she says, raking her eyes down his chest.

\---

“You know, that could have been closed for a reason,” Vax greets her when she opens his door. She raises an eyebrow at him.

“Oh, because you’re just so polite and always knock when you come into my room,” she fires back.

Vax grins. “I missed you. I mean, the Ashari are great and all, but no one’s quite as annoying as you are.”

“Oh, alright, I missed you, too,” Vex says, smiling as well, and she sits next to him on the bed. It looks like he had been reading before she came in, a small book abandoned beside him. With his armor off and his smile making him look younger than he has in months, it could almost be years ago, in any one of the many rooms they stayed in before joining Vox Machina. That familiarity gives her the confidence to say what she’s come here to talk about. “Did you know I don’t just like men?”

Vax looks torn between answering honestly and making a joke. She cuts that off. “I’m serious. I’m telling you now, if you didn’t know. I like women, and men, and really whoever, I’m not picky.” She’s being as brash as she knows how, and she’s no longer as scared of this as she was when she told Percy, but this is her brother. She doesn’t know what the right answer is here, but she’s deeply afraid he’ll give the wrong one.

He’s silent for a moment. “Why didn’t you tell me before?” Vax asks, his voice unusually low. Vex realizes with a start that he sounds hurt. “You know I love you, and you know I understand, so why didn’t you?”

“Well, I’ve barely told anyone,” she says, trying to keep her voice light and cheerful. “I told Percy a couple of weeks ago, and I told Tary, because it seemed relevant, and now I’m telling you.”

“That’s fair,” Vax concedes. “But how long have you known? If you’re bringing it up now, did something happen? Are you and Percival alright?” He sounds genuinely worried, and Vex has to smile.

“Yes, we’re fine, we’re wonderful. And I’m bringing it up now, because… well, because I’ve had a lot of time to think lately, and I had to do it eventually.”

“Eventually?” Vax asks. His face is blank.

“I’ve known for a long time,” Vex admits. It feels good to say it again, that same feeling of relief and scraped-open rawness. “I just- I couldn’t bring myself to say anything, because I was too scared, and it felt… fake. You never had to tell anyone, because you had Gilmore. I never had anyone, and it seemed like the kind of thing that if you had to tell people, maybe it wasn’t really enough to count. It always seemed to be so easy for you.” There’s the nerves again, making her just spout off everything all at once.

“It wasn’t easy,” Vax says grimly. “I second-guessed myself over every little move with Gilmore, was I really-” He breaks off, whatever he was going to say lost, and then starts again. “Did I really feel that way about him, or was it just flattering to have his attention? Did I just want to sleep with him, or did I really care about him? If I did just want to sleep with him, how much of a shit did that make me, or if I didn’t, was I just faking the whole thing? Once I fell in love with Keyleth, I knew, it was real, because it hurt so much to give that up and I _still_ regret leading Shaun on like that, but part of me was relieved, because at least I finally knew.”

Vex stares. She’d always just seen this part of her brother’s life as straightforward, another example of him rushing on ahead without paying attention to the consequences. “Oh,” is all she can manage to say.

Vax grimaces. “So, I’m glad you told me, but I really wish you’d asked me before, because now I feel like a real shithead for not having seen it and for making you go through this all on your own.”

It would be deeply embarrassing if Vex started crying right now, so she doesn’t. She looks down at the floor. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” she murmurs. “I- I thought- I don’t know. It was so important to me, and it got so big in my head, and I was so afraid if I told anyone, that it wouldn’t seem big at all to them. And then...” she trails off again, not sure what to say.

“And then you would have felt like a fucking idiot? Story of my life,” Vax jokes, but he sobers up quickly. “I know what you’re saying, but Vex, we all love you, _I_ love you, and we would never have been that shitty about something like this.”

Vex doesn’t answer, she just throws her arms around her brother tightly for a moment, and then sits back up. “Good to know,” she says, aiming for casual, but the shake in her voice ruins it somewhat. She clears her throat. “So, you really think everyone else wouldn’t think it was pointless to mention? Even though I’m with Percy now, so it doesn’t really matter, I guess, it’s all just sort of immaterial-”

“Hey.” Vax interrupts her. “Just because you and Percival are going to be domestic and noble together for the rest of your lives doesn’t mean you can’t feel anything else. If you feel it, it’s real, and if it’s important to you, it’s important to me, and everyone else can either agree or fuck off.”

Holding off tears is becoming a much bigger part of this conversation than Vex ever really meant. She sniffs a little. “Thanks.”

“Anytime,” Vax answers, and then says, “Hey, now we’ve got even more in common! Perfect twins!”

Vex laughs, and leans against Vax. “That’s us,” she agrees and the silence is warm and comfortable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have a lot of complicated feelings about the sexualities of various fictional characters, but essentially this story came about partly because i realized that i was very used to reading about and relating to male bisexual characters, and i wanted one who was female, and i'm ALMOST done with cr1 so this happened.
> 
> other thoughts, now that i've had a bit longer to think:  
> -i thought about calling it ‘roll for stealth’ because bisexuals are invisible, and like, given how stealthy the twins are, they gotta both be bi, but i decided not to because the whole point is that vex doesn’t want to be stealthy about this, but she is regardless. it ping-ponged between a pun and sadly serious  
> -so i’ve seen lots of places now refer to vex as being confirmed canonically bi, but the only source i can find laura referencing it is one tweet saying ‘all these ships, vex deserves a man. or woman ;)’ and maybe there’s more i missed but i have a lot of complicated feelings about confirming things like this outside of canon and also how seriously we as the audience should take jokes the cast make “in character” and also if there’s a level of Visible Not-Straightness that has to be achieved for a character to count  
> -that being said, regardless of if it’s canon, vex is bi i don’t make the rules it’s just true ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
> -i thought about having percy commiserate, because i headcanon percy as bi as well, but i decided to stick with what’s largely accepted as canon. part of the reason i started this is because for all the improvements in representation of lgbtq characters and bisexual characters in general in the media, i still can’t think of many examples, so it was important to me to tell this story through the medium of characters who are bi (even if i have reservations about canon level in this case)  
> -do you know how hard it is to write a story like this without any of the cultural terminology? no coming out, no being in the closet, no using the word bisexuality, or gender. i almost screamed  
> -i also almost ended this with something about how comfortable vex was and how she hoped it would be like that forever, but that made me even more sad in a different way, so here we are
> 
> feel free to come talk to me on tumblr at steelinmystories about critical role!


End file.
